this was written (almost) a year ago.saturday, november 03, 2007
and i found this boy...
yesterday was a rollercoster of emotions...and the ride continues on. i'm a girl, i tend to over think things. isn't it just my luck that when things might actually start to look up, it turns out it's just not that easy. my heart is beating out of my chest, my head is spinning out of control, my stomach is fluttering away, and my feet won't touch the ground. i replay every moment of the night...the amazing parts and the heartbreaking ones as well. i freaked out...but i stayed, twice. i wanted to stay in the moment as long as i could.
he's just too...too cute, too sweet, too cool, too awesome, too talented...and because of that, someone else wants him too.
but maybe, just maybe he might like me...
the things he does, the things he said, the glances across the room, his touch.
i liked having the feeling that it was just us, i liked that i had to tippy toe to reach him, i like that we could just look into each other's eyes and just know, i liked that he pulled me in, i liked thinking about it...
i disliked the mix signals, i disliked the games, i disliked that she was so nice and maybe we could have been friends, i disliked the awkwardness of the situation, i disliked thinking about it...
for the first time that i can ever remember, i put my heart on the line...and it's killing me.
i need to know.
i am such a teenage girl.
dammit, i like you.
it happened so long ago. yet, sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. ugh. re-reading what i wrote is kind of sad. i can't believe i ever felt that way toward him and how much it hurt me. i should have known. i mean there was so many signs and so many times i almost left that night. "just stand next to the bouncer" will always be the best advice i should have followed but didn't.
how funny, he shall forever be remembered as "that douchebag ****" by my friends and me (and even some people that don't even know him). i remember when i first pointed him at to laura's sister and adam, they both said (at different times) that he even looked like a douchebag. so i guess the name really fits him in ways both inside and out.
i must admit though, that emotional rollercoaster did produce some creative outlets for me like the haiku on top (the last line came from a message i got from np danny about this), a painting i wish i kept, some yellow sweater songs (titles): don't be stupid - tell her you like her (MAN-UP!!!) and i hate you...let's hangout! and inspiration for one of my prints:
your heart is just as empty as the banner on your heart tattoo. i should have saw that as a sign.
hopefully, my heart no longer will read as broken.
*********
today at work i had to help out at a wedding. the flowers came out really nice. the cake smelled really good. it was so hard being so close and not licking it. i hope their wedding day was everything they wanted. it's good to know that sometimes you do find the one you're meant to be with.
daylight savings starts tomorrow. i never had to do it before. i'm paranoid that i'll forget and be late for stuff. if i can re-set time on my clocks, why can't i re-set time in my life? just wondering.
till later.
