They misconstrue the past in sight and the sound,
And as lines recede,
No one speaks a word of his lust,
A word of dreams that are left to rust,
The tv's on and everyone stays calm.
Regrets are worthless,
The time has passed,
And no one understands,
And to say the least,
The years have been unfair.
I wanted to tell you I miss it,
I just want to let you know,
The last year has helped me grow,
I want to take you on the road,
Where we'd go I'll never know,
Will you come along?
It's easier when no place feels like home.
Regrets are worthless,
And the time has passed,
Which no one understands,
The years have been unfair to this point,
I said, I want out,
I want to take you out of this,
We're going to California,
And I want to take you on the ride.
It's easier when nowhere feels like...
I'll set things right,
This time, direction, in which to go,
I'll set things right, I'll say goodnight.
Goodnight.
- midtown
for as long as i can remember i have always wanted to live in california. i don't know how i came to conclusion that california was the idea place to live. maybe it had to do with the fact that disneyland was there. many times i would image how my life would be had i live there instead of hawaii and how great it would be. and for that reason it's probably why i wanted so badly to leave hawaii so bad. i always felt i wasn't ment to live there. i never thought i fit in. i was always searching for my place...and i just knew it wasn't hawaii.
i thought the time had finally come when i was about to graduate from high school. there was no way i was spending my college life in hawaii. but due to numerous obstacles, money & my mom were the biggest two, i had to put the dream on hold. i ended up on oahu and though i still wished to leave, after some time i ended up enjoying most of my time there.
but i kept hope i that i was going to make it to california or anywhere on the mainland. i just needed an out. i thought maybe once i finish school, then i would be free to go on this journey. after my second year at school things were changing and i felt i was being left behind. once again i was lost and had nowhere to fit in. so i stayed back on maui. all the while thinking maybe after a year i could escape it all. i could save up and i'd be on my way. but once again i couldn't handle the loneliness of it all and retreated to the one place that i felt somewhat comfortable, oahu.
of course it wasn't easy. everything, everyone changed while i still stayed the same. always a step behind. the years went on and i grew more and more sure of my place...or so i thought.
the last (school) year i spent on oahu was probably the best and worst time. i had my friends. i had art. i had i sense of belonging. then slowly the foundation started to crack.
first my mom brought up the idea of moving. you would think i'd be overjoyed with the news of moving to california. it was all i ever wanted, right. but the timing felt wrong. it was too rush. it wasn't the way i had plan. and worst of it was we were going to move to temecula, yet another small area. too quiet with nothing to do. for me it felt like it would be like living in maui all over again...but this time i wouldn't have friends to help me through the quietness. temecula, where my only family there were ones i haven't seen since i was little...and even then i never was really close to them.
but being on oahu and away from home i could easily forget that i was leaving. i would just push it away until i had to face it. it was the other cracks hurt the most. first there was him. there was no hiding since he was always around. having to see him ripped into me the hardest. the pain lasted way longer then it should have. he didn't know it, no one did, but he left me befeated, broken. just when i was finally starting to be sure of myself and things were looking up... the one time i thought it was finally ok to speak what i felt, to show who i was. in the end, that situation left me questioning myself. why i wasn't good enough? what was wrong with me? and so, i started to close myself off once again.
then the new year started, 2008. i was hopeful once again that this time things would be better. and then elise had to go back home. i already had to say good-bye to leigh. and now it was another friend gone. another part of my circle missing. and it changed things. living in the apartment was different.
i went through so many emotions in that short time. and had a few breakdowns, most of them behind close doors but there were a few that i couldn't help and let go in front of friends. but i carried on. for the most part the good totally outweighed the bad. and good-byes, in every form, are a part of life.
but the greatest good-bye i had was my own...to hawaii - my friends, my home, my life. even though i always hope to leave there, i guess i never really thought i was going to. i'm still dealing with everything. and the hardest part is i have to deal with it alone...because i can't let people in to help me.
how ironic, all my life i was dying to leave hawaii. and now i finally make it out and i'm missing everything i left behind. it's an on-going struggle figuring where i belong. if not hawaii, where? if not here, then where?
i think the reason i'm missing hawaii so much is becasue there were things there to distract me, keep me busy. it was only when things would slow down, is when i started wanting. when i was around friends or doing things, that's when i felt like things were good. being here, now. there's nothing to really distract me. i can try to forget evey so often. but the the quiet settles in and know that i am alone.
i always thought moving to california was what i wanted the most. but in reality what i want to most is not to have to be alone with myself...at least not all the time. i want the distractions. i want the craziness. i want to be around people i can be myself around. that why i miss my friends so much. i'm never that good of keeping in touch. i finally had a group of friends i felt i belonged to. and i had to leave...and i know down the road they'll be gone. and i'll still be trying to find my way.
maybe it really is easier when nowhere feels like home.
sleepless nights leads to too much thinking.
i'm sure more will come.
for now, i can finally say i'm tired.
goodnight.
till later.
ps. i wish my ipod was working properly, i miss listening to midtown.
